There have been times when people say things to me like "I don't know how you do it with four kids!" or "You're such a great mom, I wish I was like that". While I totally appreciate these comments for the compliments they are intended to be, they make me uncomfortable. I have many flaws that keep me from being the mom I want to be. I yell. Too much, and too loud. I loose my patience quickly. And chaos or noise makes me irritable, which is hard to avoid with four kids 8 years old and under.
It was a HUGE change last year when we went from two pretty self sufficient kids to four kids. I had a needy 2 year old, a baby, and the boys where needing extra attention because of the changes in our lives. I couldn't get things done like I was used to doing. And it was very difficult to get used to. I used to say to myself "I should be able to do..." and then be upset at myself when I couldn't get it perfectly accomplished. It was made even more difficult when I started home schooling the boys, now I had all 4 kids home all day and I had to be helping the boys with their work. I had to change the way things were done, and I had to let up on myself a little.
I cannot get everything done I want to in a day. I have too high of expectations. So I try to prioritize what needs to be done in a day. First the kids need to be fed. And let me tell you this feels like a full time job itself! Ha! Why do they want to eat so much? To help make things easier I have created short cuts. I buy chicken cutlets because they defrost and cook faster than breast. This saves a lot of time. I still buy breasts for when I want to have breast cooked for dinner, but for easy meals that just need shredded or cut up chicken, the cutlets are way easier. Also, where dishes are concerned I had to buy more. We would go through flatware and bowls really quick, so I bought more so I wouldn't have to wash them all the time. Also we have set meal times, and snack options are always the same. In the morning we have fruit, yogurt, or apple sauce for snack. Then the afternoon is a sweet snack and another health option. This eliminates the "what can I have I'm hungry.." problem. The boys are old enough to make their sandwiches by themselves for lunch. At first teaching them took more time but now, things run so smooth and its a big help to me.
My second daily priority is school. For me it helps to have a lesson plan done for each day ahead of time. I do mine monthly. It does take awhile, but to have written down each day what we're doing is a great help and Solomon can read his on his own and start his lessons on his own. But I'm also flexible with this, if our day is not going well I'll cut things short, or move them to another day. My top priority is and should be my children, and if they're having a hard day I want to be there for them. We still get everything done, I just realized that sometimes we have to shuffle things around. Sometimes we wake up in a bad mood, and fighting is not going to settle anything. There are also days where they are moving a long really fast, and we can catch up on things or get ahead in our work.
Sadly house cleaning is last on my list. This was hard for Josh and I to get used to. I had to let him help, and we both had to realize I couldn't do everything like I did before. Not that I was ever a super great housekeeper anyway. But realizing I couldn't do everything was great because I also realized that my kids should be helping. I want to teach them how to take care of themselves, and that includes cleaning up after themselves. And the boys at 8 & 6 are really able to do a lot. They take their laundry basket to the garage, and are starting to learn how to start the washer. They can carry the clean clothes in and sort them and put them away. I had to let go of things being done the way I did them too. Underwear do not get folded before put away and sometimes socks are not turned inside out. But it gets done and I'm not doing it all. Lindy helps do her laundry a little too. Solomon now empties the dishwasher, which is so great for me because I really really hate that. Both boys vacuum and sweep well enough. And they've known how to clean toilets for years now. I think they started at 4, but Lindy is starting now at 3. They help feed the animals, and all 3 bigger kids help set the table at dinner. The boys can wipe down the table for me, and they all put their dishes in the sink (yes even Sarah started at about 18 months). I'm always trying to think of more things around the house they can help with to take the load off me. I do not ask them to pick up after me, but I have them help contribute to things the family needs done. This has been so good for everyone. It has eased my list of things to do, and it has helped them realized that in our family we share the work. And we are teaching them to clean up after themselves, and take responsibility for themselves.
I really encourage you fellow moms to prioritize your days, realize who/what your priorities are and follow that. Get your kids to help in small ways, it's good for them! Let go of big expectations. And, a big one, DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELVES TO OTHER MOMS. We all do things different, and it's ok. My house will never be as clean and organized as my best friend's. I am not as patient as my other friend. I don't go with the flow as easy as another friend. I am not super christian mom that only teaches biblical curriculum to my kids. I am not the mom that cooks all organic "real food" gourmet meals. I am not all those moms whose blogs are linked on Pinterest who seem to do everything perfect (even their blogs look perfect with all kinds of gorgeous, magazine style pictures.) But thats ok. I am not you and you are not me, and thats ok. We each have something special to give our kids, us.
Remember most moms I know do not think they have it all together either. None of us do. And it's ok that we're not going to post all our struggles on Facebook. Ya, I put up pictures of fun things we've done, because who needs to hear that I just screamed at my kids to put their toys away? I'm not going to whine all the time about how inadequate I feel. I think most the time we're not trying to be fake, we just don't want people to see our struggles. Don't think you know all about someone form what you see on FB, even people who are not trying to be "fake". I don't think Facebook is really the place to share all the crappy stuff anyway. But lets do each other a favor and be real with each other. We all have good times and bad times, lets share them all in the right settings. They can all be used for uplifting another. Whether it's to know we're not alone in the hard stuff, or encourage someone that there are brighter days.
God has helped me realize that my ministry is my family. My purpose now is to raise my children to be responsible adults who love the Lord, and others. It sounds cliche, but they are not going to remember how clean the house is, but how they are treated and what we do together. Its been a process to learn this, and I'm still not where I want to be. AT ALL. And I cannot do it on my own. When I try I really just make a mess of things, and wear myself out. God showed me many years ago, before I was even married, that my strength comes from Christ alone. I am weak, and I am imperfect. But He who is within me is not. And through his power I can do anything he has called me to do (Philippians 4:13).
I am far from Supermom. Now instead of telling myself "I should be able to.." I tell myself "I want to be able to...". I do not do everything perfect, I don't even do everything! But I'm giving it my everything. I don't even feel like I do what I do well. But I try my best, and I try to remember that God has not called me to do it on my own anyway. I'm supposed to call on Him (Matthew 11:28-29)
